I'm done with American Apparel. I've inserted various songs in this post that are the complete OPPOSITE of American Apparel. Download and/or play any/all of them while you read so that you don't start wearing zebra tights and listening to Steve Aoki.
1. THE CLOTHES-I'm really happy that you guys pay your workers a good wage, provide healthcare, wish to legalize immigration in LA, blah blah blah. The bottom line is, your clothes suck my cock.
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HOODIES-There's nothing like paying $49 for a blank hoodie in my size (XXL), getting it home, washing it in cold water and hang drying it so it doesn't shrink and then being left with a MEDIUM that I can't wear. I think I'd have to buy a 5XL to get my actual size. I have the same body type as this guy, as I'm sure you do, which is why AA hoodies are the bestest.
Also, when I buy a an American Apparel hoodie, it's soft as a baby's ass and wrinkle free. After 1 was I have a garment made out of a material that resembles maple leaves. This actually doesn't bother me because I carry an ironing board and iron out with me. I enjoy having a seatbelt wrinkle in the club.
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T-SHIRTS-I also enjoy a t-shirt that's 9 feet long with sleeves that are 2 inches long. That's how I'm built, I don't know about you. I'm actually a salamander. I have no muscle in my arms.
The awesome American Apparel shrink factor applies to these as well. It's a shame that not all of my suppliers stock other brands so sometimes I have to print on your shirts.
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UNDERWEAR-Who wears boxers? Not me! Nobody does. I wear briefs with a dickhole so that I can look like a 5 year old when I get with the ladies. They love that shit. Why not just print Spiderman on them? You guys rant and rave about your cotton, make some of it into boxers. I'd even probably check out boxer-briefs. I'd probably even check out your briefs if they weren't cut for Ken dolls and in colors that Boy George rocks.
2. THE STORE-Do you guys even hire humans?
This post actually falls short of where I think it should be because I don't have any photos of actual AA staff. They may not even photograph, for all I know.
I love it when I walk into the store and I get a huge dose of the condescending "I can't believe you shower and your clothes match" hipster Haterade. It's like I'm automatically a fuck because I have goals or something. I might as well be Johnny Footballhero.
Then I get to ask questions which means that they're obviously smarter than I am or some shit. I'm sorry I don't understand the subtle variations in the cut of your 28 styles of the same t-shirt. I'm not even sure how I navigated to your mecca of clothing this afternoon without getting lost.
3. MARKETING-If the previous post didn't give you an indication about my attitude towards your staff, how about you turn the knife by putting them in your ads.
CAUTION:
STOP READING IF YOU EVER WANT TO HAVE A BONER AGAINMakes me want to buy clothes.
Makes me want to buy more clothes.
Nothing like a billboard of a big hipster ass or some hairy armpits or a guy in tights to make me want to pop in for a unitard.
4. IRONY-I haven't tried any of your other awesome products but I'm sure they're just as rad as the ones I have. Let's be fucking real here with this shit:
Safely holds your Sony Walkman cassette player
Safely holds your Sony Walkman hipster boner
Looks like a Christmas present that I don't want
It's the adventures of SUPER HIPSTERRRRRR
For those times when you want to walk around after a shower but still have your hog hanging out
Dieter
Dieter (lounge version)
Cocaine
Yep, I'm impotent now
These glasses enable you to see into 1986
I might not recover from writing this post.
