Yes You!

Everyone in all of these photos can all go fuck themselves.

Dark Meat @ SXSW

Hipster DJs

Attention:

YOU SUCK!

This picture was taken at SXSW. I won't diss the blog I got it from by naming it. What's wrong with this picture?

HOW THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS DJING?

On one turntable you have a laptop. On the other turntable you have a stuffed animal. The other guy is mixing up a can of beer. That douche isn't even wearing headphones, so let's say he isn't a DJ and just a guy who thinks that wearing a polo with an hoodie that has a fast food step-and-repeat is cool. Are you just playing some tracks from iTunes? Are you using some software that auto-mixes? Are you checking your MySpace?

When I see you DJing, it better sound like a party and you better be sweating cuz you're working really hard. I don't want to see 9 people with American Apparel (read previous post) all giggling around a mixer and 234 laptops. "YAY. DJing is fun! This picture will be on a BLOG! I'm so trill!"

Fuck you.

Cut Chemist - Spat

American Apparel

I'm done with American Apparel. I've inserted various songs in this post that are the complete OPPOSITE of American Apparel. Download and/or play any/all of them while you read so that you don't start wearing zebra tights and listening to Steve Aoki.

White Zombie - Soul Crusher

1. THE CLOTHES

-I'm really happy that you guys pay your workers a good wage, provide healthcare, wish to legalize immigration in LA, blah blah blah. The bottom line is, your clothes suck my cock.

-HOODIES
-There's nothing like paying $49 for a blank hoodie in my size (XXL), getting it home, washing it in cold water and hang drying it so it doesn't shrink and then being left with a MEDIUM that I can't wear. I think I'd have to buy a 5XL to get my actual size. I have the same body type as this guy, as I'm sure you do, which is why AA hoodies are the bestest.

Also, when I buy a an American Apparel hoodie, it's soft as a baby's ass and wrinkle free. After 1 was I have a garment made out of a material that resembles maple leaves. This actually doesn't bother me because I carry an ironing board and iron out with me. I enjoy having a seatbelt wrinkle in the club.

-T-SHIRTS
-I also enjoy a t-shirt that's 9 feet long with sleeves that are 2 inches long. That's how I'm built, I don't know about you. I'm actually a salamander. I have no muscle in my arms.

The awesome American Apparel shrink factor applies to these as well. It's a shame that not all of my suppliers stock other brands so sometimes I have to print on your shirts.

-UNDERWEAR
-Who wears boxers? Not me! Nobody does. I wear briefs with a dickhole so that I can look like a 5 year old when I get with the ladies. They love that shit. Why not just print Spiderman on them? You guys rant and rave about your cotton, make some of it into boxers. I'd even probably check out boxer-briefs. I'd probably even check out your briefs if they weren't cut for Ken dolls and in colors that Boy George rocks.

Helmet & House Of Pain - Just Another Victim

2. THE STORE
-Do you guys even hire humans?

This post actually falls short of where I think it should be because I don't have any photos of actual AA staff. They may not even photograph, for all I know.

I love it when I walk into the store and I get a huge dose of the condescending "I can't believe you shower and your clothes match" hipster Haterade. It's like I'm automatically a fuck because I have goals or something. I might as well be Johnny Footballhero.

Then I get to ask questions which means that they're obviously smarter than I am or some shit. I'm sorry I don't understand the subtle variations in the cut of your 28 styles of the same t-shirt. I'm not even sure how I navigated to your mecca of clothing this afternoon without getting lost.

TOOL - Ticks & Leeches

3. MARKETING

-If the previous post didn't give you an indication about my attitude towards your staff, how about you turn the knife by putting them in your ads.

CAUTION:
STOP READING IF YOU EVER WANT TO HAVE A BONER AGAIN

Makes me want to buy clothes.

Makes me want to buy more clothes.

Nothing like a billboard of a big hipster ass or some hairy armpits or a guy in tights to make me want to pop in for a unitard.

Queens Of The Stone Age - Song For The Dead

4. IRONY
-I haven't tried any of your other awesome products but I'm sure they're just as rad as the ones I have. Let's be fucking real here with this shit:

Safely holds your Sony Walkman cassette player

Safely holds your Sony Walkman hipster boner

Looks like a Christmas present that I don't want

It's the adventures of SUPER HIPSTERRRRRR

For those times when you want to walk around after a shower but still have your hog hanging out

Dieter

Dieter (lounge version)

Cocaine

Yep, I'm impotent now

These glasses enable you to see into 1986

I might not recover from writing this post.

Pantera - Good Friends & A Bottle Of Pills

WNBA = The Fucking Worst

Watching the Women's NBA is like watching the Playboy channel. You lie to yourself and think you're going to see something cool, but just as soon as it's supposed to go in, NOTHING! (Obviously it's worse because there's Playmates on the Playboy channel). The highest scoring WNBA game ever ended with a score of 23-41. That's like 2 baskets per year. There's no dunking, no faking, and of course the worst part....NO SWATTING. If I were had a genie, I would use one of my wishes to be a professional basketball player. I wouldn't want to score 50 points a game, just have 900 swats. Every time someone shoots, I let them get really excited for a split second, then I leap 12 feet in the air and blast the ball directly into a teenage girl's nose. I'm talking 2 hand stuffs against the backboard, hitting the rock back into shooters faces, grabbing potential dunks and just slamming players on their ass.

Next time the WNBA is on at a bar near you, put ACID in your beer and maybe you'll have the hallucination of an exciting game.

P.S. I'm pretty sure that the worst, most benchsittingest player from the NBA could beat the best "I'm a spokesperson for K Swiss basketball shoes" player from the WNBA in a game of 1 on 1, 11-0.

Shout out to Tara.

Kurtis Blow - Basketball

Ha Ha! (Justice Pt. 2)

http://www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2008/01/justice_show_mo.html


Also, I may be slightly famous...


http://www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2008/01/united_tradesho.html

Let Down

When people have a baby, they commonly say, "I just want my child to be healthy".

It's getting harder and harder for me to talk to fat people and pay attention to what they're saying because I have to block out my constant thought about how and why they got so fat.

Even though you're 30, I bet your parents still want you to be healthy.

Happy New Years from UNKNOWN NUMBER

I just want to give a big shout out to everyone that I never talk to who text messages me on every holiday. I may not celebrate the holiday. I may not ever talk to you otherwise. I may not even know you because your number isn't showing up as a known contact in my phone. Your text message might even start with "Fwd:". But thank you for texting me. It reaffirms my previous notion that the holidays are bullshit.

The holidays are finally over. Yes.

Bodies of Water (the Reply)

Bodies of Water replied with this:

"
Yeah - check out kazumi nikaidoh, Zs, ariel ramirez, ariel pink, karl blau, battles, pale hoarse. these are all that jump to mind this instant. maybe you have heard of some of these already.
as far as why we actively hate these people i listed, WE don't. None of my bandmates dislike any of that stuff, I was just mouthing off. As for getting publicity, I guess I didn't realize that anyone but my friends read what I put on our site (we are not really a popular band, I don't think). I only did it because I generally just post whatever comes to mind without giving it a second thought. Those days are over, I guess. Anyhow, thanks for writing.
d"

Oh well. I get no blog drama. Probably better that way.

A Letter to "Bodies of Water"

I recently read a post on the Brooklyn Vegan blog where "Bodies of Water" hated on some artists that I love. I figured I'd write them a letter. Here's their original post:

http://www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2007/12/bodies_of_water.html

And here's my note that I sent to them:

"Frank Zappa once said, "One becomes a critic when they fail to be an artist". I figured that since "Bodies of Water" is technically a group of artists, you are entitled to be critics. After reading about distastes for certain artists (Steely Dan, The Police, Joni Mitchell, etc.), I was intrigued to hear what your group sounded like.

After listening to your music, I decided that I thought it was terrible. I was really hoping it was going to blow my mind because I'm always looking for new, exciting music. You probably are going to think I'm lying because my MySpace page features a lot of less-than-savory hip hop, but that is the page for my DJ alter-ego.

Either way, I'm not sure I understand why you hate the artists mentioned so actively. Maybe you were just trying to get some press by saying something that would make people take notice. If you don't mind me asking, could you name some artists for me that you think are amazing? If I'm not familiar with them, I'd love to check them out.

Thanks,

DJ Zimmie"

We'll see what happens..

I Hate Lil' Wayne

In the words of my homie Anthony "Mr. B. Careful" Batista, "Lil Wayne is the biggest sham that ever got pulled on the music industry". I couldn't agree more. Why are people even using the term "greatest rapper alive"? This guy isn't in my top 50. Don't even have a conversation with me about this. I may stab someone. Granted, Hip-Hop has been in a slump for a minute (not that I consider this guy Hip-Hop), but there's much better options than this guy. He puts out 200 tracks a year. I'm skeptical if an artist puts out more than one album in a year. It's difficult (near impossible) to maintain any level of quality at that rate (and he isn't). He's a complete clown. It's so unfortunate that when I ask young people (15-20) what they're listening to, they all name him. I couldn't think of a worse role model. This is an actual quote from Lil' Wayne (Fader magazine Aug '07):

"This is not a pace, this is how I live. I wake up, smoke weed, fuck bitches, get my dick sucked -a lot -drink my drink and come here (studio) and do this shit". What am I supposed to do, take a vacation?"

Are you kidding me?